“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
(more comics:
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.