Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
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[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.