9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Got ya covered
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
American Horror Story: Public Restroom