“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.