jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute