Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”