Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
You Might Also Like
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
FINE, I WON’T.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.