Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
2022 will be better than 2021
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.