Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“Why you watching this shit?”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.