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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.