I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
You Might Also Like
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
For the orator and chef in all of us
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Yes
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.