At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.