Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it