A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.