Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Pot warmers of the day.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn