Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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#DesignFail
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
FRED: right
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.