Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Perfection.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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Expectations vs. Reality
No laws when master is gone