Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
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My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.