I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth