“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace