Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
These are my emotional support Pringles.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy