[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
A Short Story.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off