THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.