Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
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[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I know this now 😂
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”