Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My favorite female superhero
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
what kind of cook setting is this??
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
i really liked this one