Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
the #horror is real!
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.