Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
how high up are we talkin’?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.