Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car