Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?