I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm