Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
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Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.