ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
The French cow says MEUX…
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!