My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”