cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no