maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit