The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Never be a pizza!
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Great acting.. 😂
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?