If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
she has a point
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks