This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
So glad we cleared that up
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.