Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
work smarter, not harder
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this