[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My love language is hissing.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.