lot going on here, legally speaking.
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
#DesignFail
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year