Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.