The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.