Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
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“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I can’t deal with men any longer
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.