Worlds greatest photobomb
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I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
kevin is now a local weatherman
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.