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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.