Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!