Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
You Might Also Like
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?