Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
.. do you even science?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats