hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
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“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.